


dull

by panlesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Softness, self-care, the biggest piece of self-projecting writing you will ever read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 19:28:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18610999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: sometimes phil wakes with an ache in his chest and the need for validation, but he can't quite find the words to say it.





	dull

**Author's Note:**

> honestly i just wrote this because i've been feeling low for a few days and i wanted to get it out as best as i could   
> mostly this just stemmed from thinking about wanting validation but not wanting to admit that you're sad and so just being stuck sad   
> anyways it's prob super ooc because it's literally just me self-projecting onto phil but mostly i just wanted to write something and get my feelings into words  
> enjoy!

Sometimes Phil wakes with a low, dull feeling in his chest. He knows what it means: maybe he'll be a little bit more sensitive today, maybe his brain will remind him of that stupid thing he said a few weeks ago that definitely no one has forgotten about. Motivation's going to be a bit harder to find, he knows. He hates these days. He can still do everything he needs to do but it takes a lot more effort and it drains him just to think about it. 

Dan gets up before him and that's the first sign that it's one of these days. Even before he feels the ache in his chest, he can tell by the way he wakes sluggishly to an empty bed. He gives himself a few minutes to check his phone before he forces himself up and into the shower. He has only a few things to get off his checklist on days like these to keep himself as functional as he can, and making sure he gets in the shower and refreshes himself is number one. 

By the time he's walking into the kitchen, Dan's made coffee and is stood at the stove frying bacon and eggs. Phil grabs himself an apple before he makes his way over to where Dan's standing. Next on his checklist is to avoid eating junk, and make a little more effort to eat something healthy. Dan turns around when he hears him coming and offers a small smile. Phil is grateful that he doesn't mention it, even though he can tell straight away that it's an anxiety day. He's not very good at feelings or telling people he's not okay. He knows if he voices his feelings he'll have Dan doting over him and making sure he's alright, and he hates feeling like he's using his anxiety to his advantage. The logical part of his brain would tell him how ridiculous that is, but logic tends to stay dormant on days like these. 

 

He tries his best to get things done today. He knows that every now and then he'll have a bad day, so he spends the good days getting as much done as he can, so on the bad days he doesn't have the weight of a full-on day of work on his shoulders. He settles down on their sofa with his laptop and a decaf coffee and prepares for a long day of not much productivity. 

It's not long before he's zoned out from his editing and is sat quietly spiralling, thinking about something he said as a joke over a week ago, that might have been stupid. The logic in his brain that has reassured him for the last few days that it's really nothing is unhelpfully silent and Phil is left to think about how he's an idiot and everyone is secretly annoyed at him. He's not pulled out of his daze until he feels the weight of Dan beside him, when he blinks suddenly and looks over at Dan, offering him what he hopes is a reassuring smile. 

He leaves his zoned out state craving validation. It frustrates him, when he feels like this, because he knows Dan would drop everything and shower him in affection if he asked but he just can't bring himself to voice it. There's something too vulnerable about telling people he's feeling sad, and the niggling feeling that he'd be taking advantage of his negativity if he mentioned it to Dan. 

It takes a hand on his shoulder to make him realise he's zoned out again. 

"You okay there, bub?" Dan's voice is soft and grounding, and Phil tries his best to focus on it. 

"Uh. Yeah," Phil mutters. He doesn't like lying to Dan, especially about feeling bad, but he can't form the words to let Dan know he's having a bad day. It's a good job Dan knows him well enough to interpret what that quiet, short response really means. He silently takes Phil's laptop in his hand and pulls it away from Phil's grip. When it's closed and on the floor, Phil finds himself being manhandled until his head is resting in Dan's lap and a hand is in his hair, short nails scratching into his scalp. 

It takes Phil a few seconds to relax into the touch. He sighs and closes his eyes, letting Dan's fingers work their magic. They slowly drift down to brush against his cheek and onto his neck, occasionally scratching a little. Phil's sure Dan can feel the tension leave his body as his fingers dance across his skin. 

"You want to talk about it?" he hears Dan whisper, almost inaudibly. Phil pauses for a second, mulling over the question. He shakes his head slowly, curling his body in a little more in an attempt to pull himself closer to Dan. 

"Okay," Dan replies softly. 

"Just..." Phil murmurs. He stops then. He wants to say it. He wants to tell Dan he needs some confirmation that he's not as annoying or disliked as he's feeling right now. He just hates to admit that he's not okay. 

Somehow, Dan gets the message from the one word and begins to run his hands back over Phil's face to his hair, tugging lightly. Phil knows Dan's better at physical affection than verbal affirmations, but he doesn't complain at the soft touches over Phil's hair and back and side. It always surprises him how the affection Dan offers him on these days help more than words of comfort ever could. Maybe it's just Dan. 

 

He manages to push his anxiety aside a little and allow Dan to fuss over him for the rest of the day, helping him with editing, resting his head on Phil's shoulder just as a comforting weight, making something especially healthy for dinner. 

The last thing on Phil's anxiety day self care checklist is to make sure he gets enough sleep, so Dan makes sure they're in bed by 11. He lies with his arms around Phil, his chest to Phil's back, and draws lines into Phil's torso with his fingers. 

"Dan?" Phil whispers into the darkness, when he thinks Dan might be asleep. 

"Mm." 

"Thank you for today." 

The arms around him tighten in a squeeze and Dan presses a kiss to the back of Phil's neck. 

"Love you," Dan replies. "Want you to feel okay." 

"It helped," Phil says, softer. "Love you too." 

Tomorrow will be okay, he knows. Once he's slept it off, the anxiety will be pushed away, his logic brain will have returned, and all will be well again. Mostly he's just glad he has Dan to offer him the comfort he needs on the days he needs it the most.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i hope you enjoyed this mess, feel free to come scream at me @ panlesters on tumblr


End file.
